Friday, November 24, 2006

Turkey report

Yesterday's feast? The food was excellent, the wine flowed freely (a little too freely, if my headache today is any indication) and it was enjoyable to see some of my relatives. My aunt pulled out old family photos, including a wedding portrait of my great-grandparents circa 1906, and we even managed to find my father's high school yearbook. (His nickname was "Froggy." I have no idea why.) I had a chance to reconnect with my cousin/godson, who is in the middle of an intensive grad school course in clinical psychology. I saw my nephews, who have grown so much and seem like nice kids. I even got to meet the white trash girlfriend of my other cousin, who has scandalized and appalled my aunt in so very many ways. (Hoo boy: that relationship is a train wreck waiting to happen.)

And what kind of holiday would it be without some Aunt Mary antics? I learned that Aunt Mary -- in addition to being a recruiter for Jesus's army -- is apparently something of a horndog. She sat herself down next to Uncle George who, due to a rare combination of charisma and age-related attrition, is considered a hot tamale. The gentleman offered to drive the lady home. (Wink, wink.)

I also got to reconnect with my father (told him that I was perfectly happy living my life without my own personal handgun, at which point dear old Dad predicted that we would appear in the newspaper under the headline "Fatal Home Invasion"); my brother (who expounded upon his dominos-falling theory of real estate: once a [insert Polish word used as euphemism for the N-word] moves onto the block, why, no one will want to live next to them except another [insert Polish word used as euphemism for the N-word] and then the neighborhood is doomed); my sister-in-law (who told me about how her son's Little League game was held in a part of town that she described as "Little Tijuana," although my brother hastened to add that at least [insert perjorative name for those of Hispanic origin] have a good work ethic, unlike [insert Polish word used as euphemism for the N-word]. He likes to give credit where credit is due, you see.) And Aunt Mary shared her happiness at having welcomed her first grandchild into her family (with several just-audible comments about the baby's "colored blood" and conspicuously avoiding mentioning her daughter who adopted the child, or her daughter's wife because they're [lower voice and look around to make sure no one is listening] "queer").

This is why I tell people I'm an orphan.

17 comments:

mindy said...

Sounds like a well deserved wine headache, dear.
If it helps, it made me chuckle.
My day was boringly tame by comparison...

Carol said...

If it's any consolation, everybody knows you can't pick your family. We all have weirdos hiding in the closet. Or, as my pshychiatry professor once said "the only normal people are the ones you don't know very well!"

Kathy Merrick said...

My story's uglier than your story...my story's uglier than your story...
Mine involves my mother's telling me I ruined Thanksgiving for her and my getting an email sent from my brother, calling me a "whited sepulchre".
Hah.
No kidding.

Angela said...

Holidays are designed to give us plenty of time to look forward to seeing our family and just enough time with them that we remember why we only see them on holidays. We all have the crazies. I think my family could do a whole season on Jerry Springer. Just remember, you do get to go *home*. lol

Coleen said...

Aren't families fun? I may just have to adopt your "I'm an orphan" strategy!

Barb Brown said...

At least your Uncle Mike wasn't trying to sell watches that fell off a truck, and your Cousin Jim wasn't marketing his high quality home brew, while Frank and Bob were trying to kill each other in the front yard. And your Aunt Jane didn't slap her grandson for using the "f" word when describing his career as a stripper.
I moved about 7 times, and now a ton of family don't know where I am. Lovely. (Of course I have 87 cousins to hide from)
You have my sympathy and empathy.
Barb B.

JoVE said...

Might be why the wine flowed so freely too. I'm still baffled as to why folks insist on spending important holidays with people they have so little in common with. Get yourself a chosen family that you can celebrate with. Fewer stories to tell, but more enjoyable experiences.

carlarey said...

I once got to sit with my Dad's girlfriend and listen to her proudly recount her son's appearance on a Jerry Springer "That Ain't My Baby!" episode. They were raucous enough to be invited back for an uncensored cable only version.

ambermoggie said...

LOL:)
I see I'm not the only one that looked on family get togethers as purgatory and the rest of the year as heaven:0
You made me giggle with this and hey that must be the good part right??
amber in scotland

Cheryl said...

that's why we can pick our friends....

My brother in law is the clone of cousin Eddie in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation; my sister in law is a clone of Roseann Barr; and that's only the two of them....there are 49 more!!!

We are all rowing in the same boat.

Anonymous said...

Wow and I just get cranky over a dry turkey.

Cindy G said...

And here I was cranky because my Mom complained about my housekeeping! Lesson learned, I've got it easy.

Becka - The Knitting Wounded said...

See! That's why I opt to work on Thanksgiving instead of making the long trek out to see my family try to be evem more bafflingly wrong than they were last year.

Kathy said...

Bless my own disfunctional family! I truly cannot complain when I see other people's stories! Perhaps it's because they're not blood? Thank goodness for our fiber families.

Ween said...

Yeah, we all have 'em. My inlaws moved to Georgia, Southern Georgia. Upon return from their first house hunting trip we heard more about the "Blacks" (using that same whispered tone) than the homes they saw. And how they expected "it" in Atlanta, but not in the Savannah area ... um first, WHY WHY WHY does it even matter? Second, You are looking at homes which are built on a former plantation! Who do you think dug that pond you are fond of? My FIL actually sounded delighted the other day when he told me now nice "they" are?? As if the color of your skin has ANYTHING to do with your personallity. I just can't tolerate discrimination, it makes me insane.

This Thanksgiving I was thankful that this was the 2nd (of many to come) Thanksgiving that I didn't have to spend with them. :)

Gina

MOG said...

When I was growing up in the South, your brother's domino theory was called "block busting". As to family and TG, this year I had only friends in and it was sooooooo relaxing. Inventory: one sister with wine problem, one brother like yours, one psycho s-i-l, one Ranger nephew with a God complex, etc. Yup, friends instead!

brewerburns said...

At least your family drinks. My holidays were non-alcoholic.