Friday, November 30, 2007

Welcome to Purlin' Acres

In about thirty years or so, I am going to buy a sprawling house with a wrap-around porch, with at least twenty acres attached. I shall name it "Purlin' Acres." It will become an knitting old folks home.


Purlin' Acres will feature all the latest care for older Americans. There will be a medical team on site, with friendly doctors who really listen to you and don't patronize you or tell you it's all in your head. There will be a staff of lovely and friendly individuals who will cheerfully take care of all of the annoying tasks of day-to-day living: laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping. Each resident will have an airy suite of rooms with plenty of natural light, including a living room with lots of built-in shelving perfect for storing skeins of yarn (cedar with herbal moth-repellant sachets), and comfy chairs that allow you to knit in ergonometric comfort while watching digital cable, listening to music, or enjoying silence. Each suite will have a bedroom and small kitchen, and of course a bathroom with a big tub and plenty of handrails, since we will be getting less steady on our feet by then.


Purlin' Acres will feature expansive common areas designed with the comfort of knitters in mind. More comfy furniture, magnifier lenses on stands, plenty of Ott-lites, baskets on or under every table chock full of extra Susan Bates Knit-Cheks, ring markers, fancy little scissors shaped like storks, and such like, defibrillator stations, Depends dispensers. There will be wireless internet access, natch (or whatever form of speedy access to whatever version of the web exists by then) and computer terminals everywhere, all loaded with knitting-related software. Each resident will be given a Ravelry account upon admission (if s/he doesn't already have one), alhtough one hopes the waiting list will be significantly shorter by then. Residents will be responsible for providing their own stash, however; otherwise, Purlin' Acres is sure to go bankrupt. There will be a Purlin' Acres Company Store in one of the outbuildings, with constant service via golf cart, so that knitters can shop to their heart's content -- or until their pension check runs out. (A generous senior citizen discount will apply.) If your pension isn't going as far as it used to, you can take advantage of the Purlin' Acres Test Knitters program, in which you help designers perfect their new patterns in exchange for money and/or yarn.

Workshops will be held in a separate outbuilding, and Purlin' Acres will attract some of the best-loved teachers in the knitting world. Guest speakers will give talks on knitting and other crafts that may be of interest to residents. A special dyeing room will allow residents to play with color and fiber. Indie artists will make occasional visits to bring their rovings and yarns and buttons and other items for purchase. Every major yarn company, publishing house and magazine will send trunk shows each season, displaying the newest developments in yarn and knitting technology. And of course, there will be an entire outbuilding devoted to spinning: wheels of every shape, size and maker, for residents to play with, plenty of drop spindles and niddy noddies, swifts and ballwinders, too. Field trips to fiber festivals, Stitches, Soar, yarn crawls and other events will be taken via plush motorcoach.


Don't forget to check out the library should you visit. In both computer and book form, it will contain an unparalleled collection of books on knitting, crochet, fashion, design, as well as fiction and nonfiction. The entire collection of Alice *more fair isles will be one especially popular feature. Each resident will get a special reader which displays the pages of their desired reading material on a screen -- type size and color is adjustable to take into account any vision issues the resident may have -- with a foot pedal that advances to the next page. Read and knit simultaneously, with no fear of losing your place or missing a stitch.

In the adjoining fields, fiber animals of every ilk can be found: sheep, llamas, alpaca, goats, musk oxen, to name a few. A special "Bunny House" will provide chew-safe, burrow-filled, predator-free environments for the rabbits. Sheep-herding dogs will live in the outbuildings and are available for residents to take for a walk or play fetch with. The roster of cats -- Maine Coon, Ragdoll, Kitlers -- will of course have the run of the residents' building. A weekly LOL-CAT captioning contest is sure to be a popular diversion.


There will be a special area for knitters who have lost, or are losing, their buttons (not the kind you sew on garments). These knitters can sit and knit endless rows of garter stitch should they so choose, or receive infinitely-patient instruction on how to bind off stitches for the forty-seventh time. The truly ga-ga will find pleasure in operating the crank on the ballwinders, helping care for the sheep, and other wholesome pursuits. Should your arthritis or other orthopedic diseases make you unable to knit, fear not. You may simply hold your gnarled fingers and arms up and serve as a human niddy-noddy. (At least you'll get to touch the fiber that way.) And you can be sure that there will be a friendly knitter in the main building who is happy to knit you a colostomy bag cozie out of a high quality, machine-washable, natural fiber yarn.


Enrollment for Purlin' Acres will fill up fast. I imagine I'll have to adopt a stringent application process, but I will conduct all personal interviews myself. KnitDweebs will be rigorously screened out.* Preferential admissions will be given to people who read this blog and Black Bunny customers.



Doesn't it sound wonderful? It's almost enough to make me want to grow old.







*Trick questions will be employed to this end. For example, if I ask you "Is it okay to bring needles on an airplane?" the only acceptable responses are "Google it, you asshole"; "Who gives a shit"; and "I'm outta here."

45 comments:

Robin said...

Heck, I think I want to go live there now. :) Sounds wonderful to me!

alice said...

Where do I sign up?

Em said...

What a delightful, homey vision. Almost makes me want to go there now...

Hey, do you think Purlin' Acres might have a sister organization across the fields, some sort of KnitRanch, a year-round camp/retreat for grown-ups?

blogless grace said...

Wow! Becoming creaky sounds great!

Hedgehog Librarian said...

Count me in! Somewhere to go and knit and not be stressed? Can it be a retreat that you set up now? I'd spend a week's vacation somewhere like that in a heartbeat.

mindy said...

You have me on the waiting list, right? Is there a minimum age requirement, and can I bring my own goaties and bunnies? Are we allowed to keep hammies in our own rooms? Annnnnndddddd- do you have extra large suites for the most additcted of the BBF addicts?

When do I need to get that deposit in?????

mindy said...

ummm, I mean addicted. See, I'm so excited by this prospect I can't even type...

Hope said...

OMG sign me up right now. And in answer to the airplane question "JFGI".

Sherry W said...

Knitters, let's buy those lottery tickets!!!!

I'd like to suggest a finishing service and a handwash spa for your FO's.

Jennifer Dickinson said...

That is brilliant! May I suggest a non-knitter's lounge for our significant others? Complete with the latest in TV technology, all the sports channels, and video games?

Anonymous said...

Can I trade my spot on the Black Bunny Sock Club waiting list for one on the Purlin' Acres waiting list?

Marin (AntiM) said...

I signed in. It doesn't remember who I am.

I'm not anonymous. I'm Marin... and I want in.

Jen said...

I want to go now!!! Sounds like heaven on earth, with a sense of humor.

anne marie in philly said...

I wanna come too!

provided joe & marilyn & ted & lars are members also...

I envision the police being called on a daily basis for rowdy behavior!

and, of course, plenty of drinking will take place...

woo hoo!

Sarah said...

I wish I had something to offer today to secure my place at your fabulous facility. I have recently seen that even a very good elder care facility is not quite what one might hope to experience. Your vision for the future is the one I will try to keep in my mind.

Misstea said...

I want in now, nevermind waiting until I am old.

Lorena said...

Oh. Mah. Gawd. Please tell me you will buy acreage next door to my future Organic Alpaca Ranch and Martini Bar. I think we can do a lot of cross-promotion.
:-)

Carrie said...

May I reserve my spot now? How young can I get away with officially retiring? =)

Risa said...

Oh man, I totally want in. Where do I sign up?

Aubrey said...

OH, goodie - I think I've bought enough BBF that I should get in, don't you?? LOL Sounds like a lovely place - I could really use it TODAY! Please? Oh, and I'll supply the soap and balmy goodies...

Bridget said...

Hm. Could you get this going sooner? I'm afraid that in 30 years, I'll be dead ...

BigAlice said...

Heh. Now I'm picturing a this hippie yarn commune (for the younger, non-retired set).

Knittah said...

Do I have to be old to get in?

deirdre said...

I am SO in...

ellen said...

Might it be in walking distance from a library? Can I move in next week (gotta wait 'til payday).

Donna said...

This ranks right up there with The Best Things I Have Ever Read on the Internet, and not just because I know the answer to the trick question.

Loren T said...

I need one of those know. Not a knitter's retirement home, but a knitter's sanitorium. No straitjacket, just wrap me up in yarn. I'll knit my way out.

Eileen said...

I'm in. Make it sooner than 30 years, please. How about Tuesday?

Leslie - knitting therapist said...

DUDE! Sign me up!

no-blog-rachel said...

If you sign me up (and grant admission) I'll give you some of my cashmere....

Ann (yet another) said...

Can Peaches come with me if she herds the sheep? She promises (kinda) to leave the bunnies alone if she gets to herd.

Fancy Pants said...

Sign me up! I'm so there. I'm dreaming of it already.

Carol said...

I suspect the answer to all the Knitdweeb-filtering questions is "Google it, you asshole"; So I'm in, right????

It does need to be soon for me, though. In 30 years, I'll be felting the wool with my drool...

Marigold said...

Can a wobbly pregant woman move in today? Please? Pretty please, with yarn on top?

Rachel said...

Great place indeed, how come I never heard of it before? :)

BeadKnitter said...

May I please put in my registration now? Sounds downright heavelny.

Ann said...

The absolute best way to enjoy the sunset years. I'm in ...

Woolly said...

OK, I have officially found someone just a "little" more obsessed about knitting than me. The amount of time you spent on dreaming up this utopia just boggles my mind. Are bi-polars allowed ....and I don't mean bisexual polar bears in case you noticed that I come from Canada. Seriously, sign me up for the planning committee as I ain't getting any younger and I have accumulated the stash to prove it! If you need proof, look me up under fullywoolly on Ravelry. Thanks for the chin lifter of the day and also for the thoughtful book reviews, they are much appreciated. Irene in Wpg, Mb.

Sophie Holt said...

Well I'm only 21 and I live in the UK... but sign me up!

Daryl said...

I am in! Ready to go camp on the doorstep now!I will live in my tent until you formally open. Kids, what kids, collge? who needs to go to college?

Jessica-Jean said...

30 years? RATS! Like so much else I've envied of those born a few years after me (subsidized day-care, functional baby/child gear, etc.), I am again born too soon. I'll be 62 in 44 days; 30 years is too far away for me! Boo hoo!! Please, can't it be sooner? I'll donate all my books (Over 200 knitting-related, not including the scads of thinner-than-book-size pattern leaflets, and enough knitting notions to keep an army of knitters happy. The biggest room in my house is 25' x 16' with 8' ceilings and packed with yarn; I'll share it! If it's soon enough, I'll even bring three knit-friendly cats! They KNOW that bothering the yarn or needles equals lap-eviction, so they calmly let the working yarn and needle cables trail over their faces without flinching or swatting. They never even try to molest a project left aside. :)

The Mad Crocheter said...

Heaven on earth. Will you let crocheters in too? I'll even let the knitters make fun of me.

TheBlackSheep said...

Can I move in now? Please? Sounds too good to wait.

I'd like to volunteer for helping out with the sheep, muskox, yaks etc. What with being able to do that and as much knitting as I want, I'd just have to refuse to die. Why bother dying when you've already got everything you could want from heaven?

JoAnn, Wynnewood said...

I'd love to come to Purlin' Acres, but in 30 years these arthritic hands won't be able to hold a needle. I be 90 and all you young folks will be doing healthy things and I'll be trying to remember the good old days. Also, I'd have to be able to bring my dog with me! He doesn't know what a cat is - he's seen them but doesn't know them. Oh, there will also have to be lots of chocolate and good wine.

Deb aka "Mooska" said...

There must be an Aussie version of Purlin Acres too, please! I am sure there are plenty of us here in Australia that have deep desires for such an option to look forward to for our senior years. So once the American establishment is finished, work should be immediately started on the Australian sister site "Purlin Acres Down Under"
Book me in now :)